Trapped between ''musts and wants''

We often understand that we are called to face something that is forced upon us by family, society, life situations or even by ourselves. “You have to work, you have to study, you have to go to that social event, you have to dress a certain way…”

And it is in these moments that we realize we will undoubtedly be doing something that frequently conflicts with our desires. Of course, if we are attentive and don't live on autopilot, we have the option to choose between the two.

On the other hand, there are times in life when ‘musts’ pass for 'wants' and this is when things get more challenging; then not only do we fail to discern the difference between the two, but at the same time we deprive ourselves of making the right choice. In this way, the confusing actions between "must" and "want" lead to a slippery slope that ultimately becomes unmanageable.

Of course, Although the mind cannot tell the difference, the self naturally senses this and tries to respond, gently at first but gradually more intensely. Procrastination and denial set in until finally, as we keep pushing ourselves to do what we think we want to do, we feel a noose around our throat that takes our breath away. Breathing becomes shallow and fast, there is not enough air, while often this internal conflict can also lead to panic attacks.

I have experienced this myself; and despite my best efforts to explain what happened rationally, it proved to be impossible. And this is how the story went…

I committed to organizing a seminar a specific date about a subject that ranks highly among the most important concerns for every person. My goal was to spread hope and offer helpful tips for living a better life. However, I sensed that there was a "must" lurking behind it as I was planning it.

In the meantime, something very important changed my life. I almost lost my mother; aggressive cancer, radiation and a pulmonary embolism. We spent about three months going in and out of the hospital, unsure of what lay ahead. My mother's wellbeing and my time with her therefore took precedence in my priorities.

Despite my conscious decision to devote myself to my mother, second thoughts arose; “The seminar should take place in 2022 (that was my goal), but I don't have time for it. However, I made a promise to my followers as well as to myself, and they are now waiting.”

I tried to cut down on my sleep, in order to get to the seminar on time, but that didn't work either. I was having trouble focusing, and I was losing my inspiration. In the end, it became obvious that I was internally opposed to this choice.

The night my mother had a pulmonary embolism, I was with her in the hospital! She was in a very bad condition, and none of us knew what was really going on. Thankfully, doctors found out a few days later.

When that happened, she essentially changed. She sang all day and was in a very good mood. "I was born again," she said, "God gave me a second chance!" This moment served also as a wonderful opportunity for a deeper reconnection with my mother, which ultimately restored the mother-daughter relationship. She developed new perspectives both on herself and the world, became more gregarious, yearned for a hug, and developed empathy. Even the hospital food, which she had previously hated, was now her favorite.

I experienced something truly magnificent, but I felt my failure to fulfill my promise overshadowed it. I believed that if I made a promise, I had to keep it in all circumstances, otherwise I violate my morals and values.

I struggled a lot until I felt exhausted and stopped pushing myself. I understood and accepted that I needed time and that the fullness of time had not yet come. Thus, with no guilt or remorse, I postponed the seminar. Once I made this decision, my lungs opened up and I allowed myself to breathe deeply and freely again.

And here lays the trap; I felt torn between "I have to" and "I want to". Even though I had not yet come to that conclusion, delaying because of an emergency was not on my mind.

Yes, I want to organize the seminar, and yes, I want to offer the attendees a new way of looking at life, but the workshop's schedule needed to be adjusted. I overcame the barrier I had erected for myself, and in the end, I made my decision based on my needs.

However, do we always identify these internal conflicts which are often triggered by unknown causes? The answer is no. And indeed, these unresolved inner battles often weaken us and make our bodies sick.

We must keep a healthy distance from things that happen in life. Instead of setting a goal that only needs to be reevaluated, we need to look at what is really going on from a higher perspective.

I'd love to hear from you about the "need" that controls your life and happiness, whether it be overt or covert. The act of sharing is self-healing and liberating. You can call me or send me a private message on social media. You and I are all fellow travelers on life's journey. I look forward to hearing from you.